What Kills Communication?

I have always wondered why it’s complicated to talk to a person close to us but so exciting to open up to a random stranger we just connected with? We always emphasise that communication is the key to any relationship, but we end up struggling for a conversation.

Fear of Being Judged

When we talk to someone we already know, we fear being judged. People always judge! Maybe we are trying to be better, and our past actions do not coincide with the newer self.

Is it wrong to aspire to be a better person? Or trying to leave your past behind of which you are ashamed? Should you feel bad if someone brings up an instance from the past? All these are questions of utter importance and needs to be answered. Let’s try to answer a few of them in this section.

Is it wrong to aspire to be a better person?

TLDR: It’s not wrong!

I think this is the best thing that a human being can do, and I call this metamorphosis. A butterfly is nothing like the larvae out of which it has evolved. We are supposed to adapt every moment, shed our old understanding, and be a new person.

Should I feel bad if someone brings up an instance I am ashamed of from the past?

As my therapist says, bad is a broad word, and we will try to pinpoint what we feel. The feeling bad here could be guilt or embarrassment. There are other emotions like rage and pain, but these are easier to deal with for me. My particular challenge is dealing with the guilt of my past actions. I feel afraid that my image will be shattered, and I will not be viewed as the person I’m today because of my past actions. It’s only natural for humans to judge based on data and past experiences.

We should remember our past experiences and take lessons from them, but we should also acknowledge that it’s past and we are not the same person anymore. Anyone offended with this person’s behaviour in the past, it’s justified and fair, but that’s not you. And it should just be fine and not to be taken personally.

What is the antidote to this fear of being judged?

To accept that we are not perfect and everything we do is not correct. To acknowledge that we are good and unique in our own ways. The very act of being honest and brave enough to show our authentic self is a whole lot of virtue. Always remember that the past is not us, it’s done, and it’s over. We are starting new every second, so don’t let it weigh us down!

Too Much Help & Harsh Criticism

The fear of being judged was in our heads. Maybe the other person is mature enough to understand, or perhaps not, but we won’t know until we gather the courage to share ourselves. There arises another problem that we need to address as a listener. We try to solve the issues and give resolutions to things we hear. We do it with everyone, and we do it more with our loved ones. When we hear something, we feel that it’s essential to give our feedback and add to it or improve it. It might also feel like if we don’t add or correct the person, our care may feel incomplete. It’s like a compulsion to always help. We need to stop that.

More often than not, people are looking for a place to confide in. That’s all. They don’t need improvements or suggestions and help. All they want is someone happy to hear them out. Humans are so powerful that a single acknowledgement from their beloved will make them do the impossible.

There are times when people are looking for suggestions and help, and sometimes we all want to hear the affirmation from the other person. It’s always a good idea to weigh in our opinions before we start to shower them down on the speaker. What am I trying to speak? If we don’t have much to say or add, just a few kind, positive words are enough to make the day. If we have something to add which is positive, that’s even perfect. The real challenge is when we have criticism.

In our world, we are bombarded with criticism constantly. Many of us train ourselves well to not be affected much by these cannonballs coming our way. But when the person criticising is our own, whose opinion matters to us, it can be a make or break thing. If you have to attack, it needs to be very humble and aware of the kind of response you are receiving from the speaker. Observe if they try to get defensive, diffuse the situation and make it so that it doesn’t blow away the other person’s confidence. If you think that the criticism is not constructive and more of an opinion, it’s better to hold it back or make the blow as soft as it can be made.

We don’t need help; we are all looking for love. <3

Lack of Friendship

Too much help, hard criticism, and fear of judgment are all side effects of another illness: lack of friendship. Two people always need to be good friends, and everything else will start to fall in its own place. It should be a practice to ensure that the friendship flourishes and grows between two people.

Imagine being with a friend. We are not afraid to share silly ideas with our friends because they will judge us. They likely know all the more ridiculous stuff we have done and are still with us. We don’t mind them criticising us, and we more often than not digest their feedback really well. And friend may also try to help and suggest things at a time, but we feel comfortable enough to let them know at times to shut the fuck up. Things become easy when we are friends. Friendship is a two-way street. If you make a friend and the other person doesn’t, it will be a road of heartbreaks and unmet expectations.

Conclusion

In the end, I would say life is too short to fear anything and be put down by anyone. Do what you feel is right and dare to speak it out loud. If you make mistakes have the courtesy to accept it and apologise and make amends but don’t hold back. Make friends, and communication shall fall in place automatically.