There are days in our life which we look back at - often. They hold a special place in our psyche because they make us what we have aspired to be. It’s a day which is complete in itself. It doesn’t need the past or the future. This is a distilled version of one such day in my life. How raw can I be? We will have to see but it will be one I will look back at often.
It is Dussehra, a day in the life of a software engineer and entrepreneur in tier 2 town, and it’s a real holiday. What’s a real holiday? A day when I’m forced to take off not because it’s on the calendar or planned but because I just can’t work as there will be no electricity for the whole day. The laptop, routers and phone are on their last leg and I can’t push them further. So I loudly denounce it a holiday to myself. Okay now what do I do on a real holiday in my home? A day which I mostly experience when I’m traveling and keeping busy but at home not used to this.
I decide to drop Acid. If you know what it is nice, if you don’t know it’s super cool either way. It was a thing on my bucket list that I have always wanted to try and have got my hands on it finally. Now there are complications you are not ready to hear about. Work was the first thing but the easiest to get out of way. The harder things are dropping the roles and responsibility of being a son, a husband and a father because this is home! Luckily I had a call with AstroTalk (/s) few weeks back and this date was supposed be my golden day where all my stars were going to fall in line and I will be invincible and so it happened. Mother out of station to my uncles place and wife and kid away for a family function at in-laws. Damn what a coincidence. That left me with my Father and sisters which are less hands on role.
Okay now standing face to face with a real holiday another question had to be answered. How much am I going to take in? And what is going to happen as a result of that? Undetermined. Nervous and excited music playing in background. I dropped half a tab around ~160 ug.
It’s 2 PM and I’m in my den(office). I’ve brought water bottle, speaker from in front of my father on a holiday on an afternoon(I’m just wondering what he might have thought, maybe fathers already know) but I slithered away silently using the track record that this kind of behavior means serious work on normal days. Now I’m lying on my sofa feeling nothing looking at the wall. Half believing that I was scammed as I chew and roll a piece of cardboard in my mouth. I have eaten a lot of those in school time but to pay money and eat a small piece would look quite foolish at this age.
After 30 minutes I can feel slight tingling and pinching sensation in some parts of my body and I’m happy just from the fact I was not scammed. Just feeling the sensations for another 30 minutes. Thoughts become silent and body floating as a ball of air and I’m now getting in for a ride. I’m using AI trying to diagnose my symptoms and guess what is coming next. The trip continues. I’m not writing this to share what the trip was like but what I discovered about myself during the trip and why it’s so important to me.
So what was it that I learned that day about myself? I figured what I would like to be and I summarized it in 3 words - confident, loving and kind. If I could be anything, this is what the best version of myself would be. I felt that any other traits in addition to this were good to have but not the foundation of who I am. Everything I wish to do - building a business, relationships, interacting with the world should be based on these 3 pillars.
Confidence to come out of the comfort and face things with courage even in the face of uncertainty and hostility. Confidence that I can figure things out and solve problems. Confidence to express my true feelings. Confidence that I belong where I go and it makes a difference.
Love, firstly for myself in abundance and then for people around me, specially my family. Without love everything else that I would do is futile. Self love is such an underrated trait I feel. We hold ourselves to such high standards that a slight miss feels like a blunder and big achievements don’t even get a pat on the back. It’s kind a mechanism to keep us pushing and ploughing ahead but love is essential to fuel long term progress and satisfaction.
Kindness in dealing with myself and people. We may not love everyone but we can be kind to everyone. It has often been seen that we first become cold to ourselves and then to people under our nose and then to everyone else. The world we live in where everything is about me and the competition is cut-throat. Showing empathy in our dealing and relationship just makes the whole experience so much nicer.
These three traits are like a tripod, incomplete without each other but sturdy when they work together.
Before, after and while I was having these realizations I looked at the swirling floors, the fast moving black cloud. I locked the room and danced to the beats of music, something that I have quoted as not my cup of tea but it came naturally. I dialed up my cousin and we setup a small picnic on my terrace. Music, awesome weather, green apple and grapes and then a box of pizza and it was brilliant. I had everything I needed in those moments. Lot of fun chats, continuing to analyze what I like to talk about and the subjects that I find futile.
Then to close the day we headed out for a movie. When I came back it was late, the electricity was back and the holiday was officially over. I went straight to my bed and tried finding sleep. Making notes and talking to myself about what has transpired.
I later got to know my father has told my younger sister that “Your brother is acting brave today because his wife is not there…” and I laughed on that for quite some time. I’m grateful for everything that I have and my next Astrotalk appointment is scheduled for 25th October. Highly Recommended!